I meant to write in this blog a lot, but as it turns out, time is not my friend, I have not time it seems for myself. I feel like I have no time for me, for magic, for anything. Yet, I have discovered a whole lot about myself during this time of self. I stated I believe in an earlier post about feeling lost and trying to discover myself again, and I had traced it back I think to the incident in February. Fact I discovered that since Bill killed himself, that is when I lost me. I tried ,conform myself to accomodate so many people, tried to take care of too many people, tried to a savior to people who didn't ask to be saved. Thus putting myself into finacial peril, which I am trying to pull myself out of.
So what have I discovered? Driving home from the Witch's Ball, talking to the Gods, it was one word that kept penetrating the darkness of the night. Resentments. Now I had to take time to think about that, because I swore that in my previous workings I had worked on my resentments with Bill, my mother, my father, my step father, etc. Fact was I had truthfully worked on my resentments towards them, what has been harboring inside, that unfaced demon was the resentments toward myself for the situations I have allowed myself to be in or actually put myself into.
Bill- okay, so I have dealt with the fact that Bill killed himself, left the girls for me to help put back together. I get less angry each time they break down and miss him and feel more sympathetic towards him for what he is missing. So what was the resentment: taking on the responsibility to take care of everyone like Bill told me to in his suicide letter. No one asked me to take the responsibility, I did it on my own because I felt responsible to take care of everyone, because that is what Hope does, she takes care of everyone. NO ONE asked me to do this when Bill died, I chose to do it, because of some fucked up sense of loyalty to Bill. I really only have to be responsible for myself, Emily and Ashley. Joy is an adult, perfectly capable of taking care of herself and her sons. I am not their God, so why did I try to set myself up as that. So I could be resentful afterwards. I even realized I stopped getting tattoo's, and went to a mainstream haircut and color in order to conform to a normalcy Bill always pushed me towards to give the girls some normalcy. Not only do the girls not care, they don't like the soccer mom look, they liked me the way I was. NO ONE asked me to change, I did it because....I don't know, but I was resentful over it.
My Mom- I have come to accept my mother is not a healthy woman, in mind or body. She is the child, I am the adult and it has been that way since I was young. I know she really has no clue she puts me in the positions she does, I do not believe she is capable of understanding. I have avoided going over to see her because while it is a great mini vacation get away for Emily and Ashley, it is a lot of hard work for me, physically and emotionally to deal with my mother. She needs me in a way I am not capable of giving her. I cannot put her before my girls, and while she says she wouldn't ask that, in her moments or episodes, whatever you want to call them, she has done exactly that. We have found out that her heart condition is worse, and her kidneys are failing and there is really nothing more the Drs can do for her. SO she is going to die soon, yet another funeral I will have to pay for with money I really do not have. But that is really a technicality I can work around. I realized that when my mom passes, my family will consist of me and the girls. Bills family is very into themselves, the live on the west coast and have their own lives to live. My mom's family, well I am the black sheep they wrote off a long time ago. I was so resentful over everything for so long, and now I realize if there is a resentment, it is how I allowed my family to affect me when everything happened with my mom. And I simply have let that one go.
I resent my job. Or, I don't like the inequality of my job, the position I have been put into in situations I cannot control, nor do I dictate, I simply push the paperwork. My boss is a great man, yet a bigoted chauvanistic prick. He would do anything for me if I needed help, but until I grow a penis, I will never be put on the same playing field as the rest of them. My job make me unhappy and I will give myself until Samhain next year for it to improve, or I will look for another job.
Writing this down does not seem like these resentments are/were that big. But the night they smacked me in the head, the resentment towards myself for my actions in the events in my life, they were HUGE.
I also realized that spiritually I haven't only been lost, I have been non existent. Going through the motions like a Sunday Christian. I feel like someone not themselves. Why? Because I lost hope in who I was. Now I am taking the steps to move back into that aspect of me. Starting with taking Rune Class with the Mjolnir Kindred and with Sin Odinson. We started last Sunday going over the first four staves of te Elder Futhark . This is bringing me back to where I was, and I know I will go far passed that person as time goes forward. I am working with one Rune per week. I will post on each rune as I work thorugh them.
I would write more but sleep is calling me and that is a bedfellow I don't here beckoning often. Good night to all on this Mothers Night.
S
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